The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
