Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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