I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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