The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
