Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
