Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
