Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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