i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
