If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
