Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
