Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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