My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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