i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
