I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
