I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
