i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
