Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
