I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
