My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
