I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
