i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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