I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
