At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
