I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
