We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
