I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
