I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
