i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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