I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
