stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
