I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
