Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
