My balls are so social today.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
