I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
