Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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