I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
