What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
