the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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