he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
