Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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