found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
