There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
