I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
