just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
