Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
