I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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