I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
