So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Brb crying the tears of my youth
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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