Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I am naked and annoyed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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