Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My bed smells like the plague
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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