Cold hands, warm shart.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
