I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
