Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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